


Eames The Living Migraine

by orphan_account



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Smut, bad sex talk, happy and in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 05:37:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10564704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Arthur just wanted to get through customs in peace.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to coax youcantsaymylastname to fly over to the UK to come have some dinner with me and some how it ended up into a conversation about how awful Eames would be to go through customs with.
> 
> I shoved it in here and embellished a little. Enjoy!

 

  
It starts with a cheese platter, which Eames had insisted on buying in Belgium of all places. (" _Eames, Belgium isn't even known for its cheeses. Can't you just get them some chocolate?"_ ) but Eames had insisted that he didn't want to buy Arthur's parents chocolate because Arthur doesn't eat chocolate, and anyone who raised a child who doesn't like chocolate  _clearly_ doesn't like it themselves. ( _"Eames my parents eat chocolate, I'm the one who doesn't like it. My parents are actually nothing like me at all. I'm the weird one." "Well, glad you finally admitted that darling."_ ) So when they got off the plane at J.F.K Arthur steers them towards 'Something To Declare' and got ready for Eames to get out aforementioned cheese board and to get the whole thing over with. 

The cheese board was dealt with quickly.

The turtle eggs were not.

"Why do you have turtle eggs in your pocket!" Arthur may have shouted, but he truly could not fathom the depths of ridiculousness that was the man he was planning to spend the rest of his life with. 

Eames had looked a bit sheepish, mostly to the security personal who was now poking the - live - turtle egg with a pen, and trying to work out whether he should write them down under 'food' or 'pet'.

"Well, they might have hatched while we were gone. Then we'd have baby turtles all over the house, starving to death." He looks at the guard as if the man would find this perfectly reasonable.

Arthur pauses, "Is this you informing me now that you were planning to have a small turtle army living in our house, without telling me?"

"Whoops." Eames doesn't look very apologetic. 

"I don't even like turtles!"

Eames clutches the eggs, putting his hands over them as if they had ears and could hear Arthur's remarks. "Stop pretending you don't feed Gertie lettuce."

"I thought Gertie was some horrible science project gone wrong!"

"Darling, I know you think very horrible things about my intellect, but I'm not actually in high school & I don't have 'science projects' anymore." Eames was always doing this to him. When Arthur was by himself, or even travelling with other people, he navigated the world of security points, international borders and bureaucracy with complete ease. This however was first time in their entire career of doing jobs together and they were flying  _as a couple_ and not pretending that they were strangers, and Arthur was here shouting about turtles in the middle of J.F.K.

"You've had that turtle since '89. I've seen photos of your old bedroom, it had a tank in the corner saying #1 science fair." 

Eames beams at him, "I love it when you show off all the weird stalking you've done about me. It makes me think you really care about me." And Arthur blushes, because the only thing he's less used to than shouting about turtle eggs is open affection in front of strangers.

Speaking of strangers, "Excuse me sirs, what is this?" The security guard holds up a plastic bag filled with leaves which do in fact look suspiciously like marajanua.

Every inch of affection and love Arthur had just been feeling leaves his body. He turns to Eames and looks him dead in the eyes, tone completely flat: "Tell me you didn't."

"I didn't! They're tea leaves! From Marrakesh! Absolutely zero intoxicating substances." He's still clutching the eggs, and Arthur hates him.

"You're aware that bringing them into the country is illegal though right? Jesus fucking christ I can't believe we're going to jail because you won't drink American tea."

"Don't blaspheme Arthur, it's unbecoming."

"I'm Jewish, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you're an imbecile and just committed a felony." 

Eames does a dramatic whisper, "I hope they don't find the mushrooms then."

Arthur feels a headache coming on. 

The guard has a furrowed brow, "I'm sorry sirs, I'm going to have to take you in for further questioning." 

Arthur turns and sends a death glare at Eames, he's going to make them late to meet his parents. "At least the diamonds are safe." Eames says with a grin. 

"Eames, we're supposed to meet my parents at the house in half an hour."

"Ah, that is a bother, any chance we can make this  _go away?"_ He mouths the words diamonds again at the guard.

"Eames, this is America, not Egypt, you can't just bribe your way out of things." Arthur turns to look at the guard,  "although if the opportunity is there, I will happily pay you a lot of money to make sure you strip search him."

In a not so loud whisper Eames says, "I guess the diamonds aren't safe then."

 

* * *

 

 

Eames is sitting gingerly on a chair. They did strip search him and Arthur can't be completely sure it wasn't caused by his suggestion. To himself he does find it a little bit funny that Eames has had someone else up his ass in the past hour, but he doesn't say anything because he knows that Eames will probably take it as a chance to talk about sex in public. 

"You okay?" Arthur asks him, sitting down on the chair next to him.

"Yeah. Nothing that hasn't happened before." He says with a wink that isn't at his normal level of charisma.

"You sure? As you haven't taken this as an opportunity to embarrass me further, so I feel like something must be wrong."

"That's true. I'm off my game... They said they're going to destroy the eggs." He's frowning even though he's trying his best to hide it. 

"Ah."

"We gonna' get moving then?" Eames asks, trying to change the subject.

"We're waiting for a phone call."

"From who?"

"You'll see."

They sit in silence for a few minutes, which is testament to how much Eames really will just yield to whatever decisions and plans Arthur makes for them. Eames reaches out and takes Arthur's hand. Squeezing it. Arthur is reminded suddenly as to how much he loves him.

The phone rings.

"Hello? Yes, that's good news. That's fine. Sorry for the late hour. Exactly." Eames is watching him talk on the phone, he looks curious. "Thanks again, I'll probably speak to you soon, knowing my luck." He hangs up the phone.

"Who was that love?"

"My lawyer."

"Ah, a man who wears as many suits as you. Don't tell me, you're leaving me."

"Unfortunately not. Apparently my tastes run on the ridiculous side." He squeezes Eames' hand back.

"What did he want?"

"Well, he saved the eggs. They're going to be detained at an animal sanctuary until they hatch."

Eames looks at him, his face open and adoring. "Darling..."

"We can't have them until they hatch, in case they turn out to be something else." Arthur sends him a smile, because knowing Eames they might turn out to be crocodile eggs.

"You saved them."

"My lawyer saved them." Arthur corrects.

"No, you did. Arthur, darling, you're the most wonderful man I've ever met, you know that right?"

Arthur blushes under the weight of Eames' affections. "Well... Someone has think about the baby turtles."

Eames kisses him. "I love you. Sorry, I know you're not one for-" he gestures at himself generally, "-I must be a nightmare to you."

Arthur shrugs, "You are, but that's why I love you too."

They're late for meeting Arthur's parents, but Arthur had warned them about that the day before anyway. And apparently Eames' apology for embarrassing him didn't last very long as in the cab over he goes into excruciating detail as to what having a man with rubber gloves on probe up your 'arse' felt like. And Arthur feels another headache coming on, but he finds himself laughing the whole way there anyway. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Youcantsaymylastname made some lovely art for this fic, so I wrote a smutty epilogue. Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> youcantsaymylastname made art (see beginning of first chapter) so I wrote a bunch of smut.  
> (this is definitely still crack, but I love them so w.e.)

 

### A Sex Epilogue: A Sexilogue. 

 

Unsurprisingly Arthur's family love Eames. He knows how to be bitchy with his sisters, a 'bro' with his brothers, and an utterly charming man to his parents. Everyone is enamoured by his accent (that Eames has been blatantly playing up the whole time) and he's great with kids. The latter of which is a good thing, because Arthur is one of seven and he's the only one who hasn't started procreating. (His family aren't very religious Jews, but the big families thing stuck, along with the pass over seders and Chinese food at Christmas). 

Five days into staying with them and Eames and Arthur are finally having their first night alone. 

"I'm sorry it's been so hectic, I should have gotten us a hotel." Arthur says sitting on the edge of his childhood bed, which is now a cutesy yellow color from when his youngest sister colonised it the minute he left the house. 

"Nonsense darling. Your family is a riot. It wouldn't be a proper visit if we spent the whole time sequestered away in a hotel." He's rummaging around in his horrible orange rucksack that Arthur despises and has tried to throw out more than once. "Although, you would look rather lovely sequestered in a hotel room." Eames says with a wink.

"The idea that in any scenario  _I_ would be the kept boy here is patently ridiculous. You'd probably forget to feed me, or go bankrupt." Arthur says, removing his tie and undoing a few of his buttons. He tries to dress casual around the family, so there was no waistcoat. 

"Darling, you wouldn't be chained to the bed, you could feed yourself. And pay yourself. And probably organise me coming over to roger you. I take it back, you can be a sequestered receptionist."

"And how is that different from what happens now?" Arthur replies with a smirk, pushing his shoes off and tucking them under the bed.

"Good point. I definitely don't pay you though."

"You couldn't afford me." 

"I know I can't, all those times I tried to get you in on jobs just to see you, I had to give away half my pay just so your rates would be met."

Arthur pauses, dumbfounded. "Did you really do that?"

Eames looks up at him, giving him a little smile which means he's a touch abashed and it's such a lovely thing that Arthur feels his stomach flip over. "Only sometimes. When I hadn't seen you in a while."

"I've always liked working with you."

"True, but I didn't like working with Cobb." 

"You could have called."

"Arthur, one time I called you and you threatened to kill my source for your most recent contact details."

"I was on a job! Just because I had a crush on you doesn't mean I was going to let you be belligerent." 

Eames' face breaks open, he loves it when Arthur says stuff like that. Arthur keeps reminding himself to do it more, but it doesn't come easily.

"I know. Don't worry. We got here in the end."

"Do you want to sequester in bed now?" 

"Yes! And I have present!" He pulls out what he was apparently looking for before and drops it on the bed next to Arthur. Arthur looks at it, it's a packet of latex gloves.

"Um... Thank you? Am I supposed to know what to do with these?"

"You're not doing anything lovely, I thought I'd recreate our airport adventure." He says with some waggly eyebrows.

"Oh fucking christ-"

"- _Arthur_ -"

"-still Jewish Eames. Isn't this a bit weird?"

"Probably." Eames picks up the packet and pulls out some gloves. He appears to really enjoy putting them on, making loud snapping noises with the latex as he pulls them up. He looks pleased with himself and a little excited, which tends to be the end of most of Arthur's apprehensions because he adores Eames looking happy.

It's definitely weird though.

"Okay, open up. Let's look in your mouth." 

Arthur opens his mouth obediently, enduring his tongue being poked by latex clad fingers. "This feels a bit like going to the dentist." He says around them.

Eames snorts in laughter, "Well maybe you should suck on them a little bit. You know, make sure there's nothing illegal hidden in there." Arthur rolls his eyes and sucks on the digits obediently, not entirely sure if the latex is something he can just ignore or is off putting. He knows for a fact he doesn't have a latex kink at least, although unfortunately it might look like Eames has. Although mostly Eames appears to have an Arthur kink, or an Arthur + whatever strange idea he had when doing something that probably shouldn't have involved sex, kink.

"Can we at least kiss a bit first?" Arthur says, not really sure if he's in the mood as it is.

"Oh definitely, just don't tell my boss." Eames says, climbing onto the bed and kissing Arthur. This is the bit Arthur likes, and it doesn't take too long from warring with Eames' mouth that he starts to get on board. He sucks on Eames' tongue, and brings a hand up to the man's hair to bring them closer. "Okay," Eames says breaking them apart, "I think you need a pat down."

Arthur laughs, "You're ridiculous."

"Well this is a case of national security. Us yanks take these things very seriously. Oh hello, what do you have hiding here?" Eames is tweaking his hard nipples through his shirt. "I think we're going to have to take this off to get a closer look." It's still a bit weird being petted through the latex, but Arthur doesn't mind so much now. 

Eames half lies on top of him as he gives him a 'pat down'. "Eames, if this is what happened to you back at the airport, I think you have a case for sexual harassment."

"Oh definitely, it was horrible. Just you wait until you see what they did you my cock. Some little bastard put it in their mouth." 

Eames has flipped him over and is palming his ass through his slacks. "Oh well, you better not miss that out in the recreation then." Arthur answers.

"I'll keep that in mind, now let's see what we have here." He undoes Arthur's pants and pulls them down with his underwear, revealing the globes of Arthur's butt to the air but no more. Arthur hears the snap of a bottle of lube, and jumps when some drips onto his cheek. "Sorry love. You all good?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Will you call me officer?"

Arthur rolls his eyes so hard he thinks he loses a contact. "Yes, sure. Please officer, put your fingers up my ass so I can hurry up and fuck my boyfriend."

"Well, since you asked so nicely." Eames brings his slick fingers to Arthur's hole, two of them just rubbing around the rim for a moment before pushing inside with one long movement. Arthur whines at the intrusion. Wishing he could separate his legs some more.

"So Arthur, have you been keeping anything naughty up here?" He crooks his fingers around like he's looking for something.

"Yes, my self respect and sense of propriety. Jesus christ  _Eames!_ " Eames has twisted his hand around and started just thrusting in and out.

"Language!" 

" _Still Jewish._ " The latex isn't really a problem anymore, it's barely different from when Eames normally stretches him. 

They add a lot more lube, and Eames does this thing where he wants to keep touching Arthur everywhere and get his clothes off at the same time. Which makes the process longer and more frantic, but Arthur can't really mind as Eames is plastered across his back and pressing wet kisses and bites to his neck.

Finally they are naked enough for sex to be possible, and Arthur moans at the weight of Eames' cock falls between his cheeks. Eames gives him an answering one, shifting his hips so it runs up and down Arthur's cleft. "I know it would be a waste because I just spent all that time stretching you, but darling. You have such a wonderful arse. I could fuck it like this all night."

"Eames, put your dick in me now." 

"Right-o."

They sigh in unison as Eames slips in. Laying flat on his stomach Arthur can't do his normal repertoire of bucking backwards, but Eames is apparently excited enough to take on the brunt of the movement. It's a marvel being with someone who spends all his time building up muscle over cardio, as it means that Arthur feels like he's getting fucked through the bed one powerful thrust at a time.

"Shit. Darling,  _darling,_ you're wonderful. And your arse is delightful. And I'm about to cum, so you good yeah?" 

"Yeah, it's fine, just, stay inside afterwards." 

Eames speeds up, "fuck, fuck. If I could I'd never fucking leave,  _fuck_." Arthur gets really close to climaxing himself as Eames ruts inside him at the end, but it's not quite enough. Even before Eames has finished however, he moves them on their sides. Fucking his still hard cock inside Arthur and putting a hand around Arthur's dick.

"Eames if you don't take off that fucking glove and put your actual hand on me I swear to christ-"

" _language-"_

"I'll make you eat them." 

Thankfully Eames does pull off the gloves and seconds later Arthur is orgasming over his - actual - hand.

They pant in the bed for a while before Arthur turns over and starts the kissing again. It's definitely his favorite part. Eames kisses him back like it might be his favorite part too.

"You're ridiculous." Arthur says finally.

Eames smiles at him, "I know. And I love that you let me."

"Did none of your past flings let you finger them with latex gloves then?"

Eames laughs, "I wouldn't really know. You're the only one who makes me feel so playful."

"Eames, I'm probably the most straight laced person you've ever dated." Arthur says, a bit embarrassed. Partly because Eames is saying lovely things, but also because he is and Eames is being deluded if he thinks Arthur is more playful than some of his ex's.

"Yeah I know. But you let me be me. And that's more important than dating someone who is also as ridiculous as me."

Arthur thinks about it, "That's true, can you imagine how awkward it would be if we  _both_ wanted to be the security officer."

"Terribly awkward. Although, I am a fan of when you pay attention to my arse."

"Well, I was just thinking how weird it was that we don't even know the name of the guy who last fingered you."

"Should I write him a card?"

"You can point him out when we pick up the turtles." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the epilogue is like longer than the main fic. Forgive me.


End file.
